May 30, 2024

Unmasking Covert Narcissists: Characteristics of Covert Narcissists

Ronak Bhatt

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Characteristics of Covert Narcissists

Despite their subtlety, covert narcissists share the same core characteristics as overt narcissists:

Fragile Egos: They have a deep need for admiration and attention, although they seek it in covert ways.
Egocentric: They have a hidden sense of superiority and lack empathy.
Quietly Arrogant: They are grandiose, superficial, and harbor hidden envy toward others.
Manipulative: They use their perceived vulnerability to draw you in, making you feel like you are bonding with them, only to use your vulnerabilities against you later.

Covert narcissism is a form of narcissistic abuse that is insidious, subtle, and often goes unnoticed until it is too late. Unlike overt narcissists who are easily recognizable due to their blatant egocentric behaviors, covert narcissists operate under the radar, making them extremely dangerous. In my twenty years of working with narcissistic abuse survivors, I have found that the majority of abusers are covert narcissists. This blog aims to shed light on the characteristics of covert narcissists and provide tools for identifying and dealing with them.

Understanding Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissists, unlike their overt counterparts, do not openly display their narcissistic traits. They are often quiet, shy, introverted, and avoid the spotlight. This makes them harder to spot and thus more dangerous. They may present as humble, attentive, caring, and even empathetic, which is why many fall into their traps.

The Danger of Covert Narcissism

Many people believe they can spot a narcissist a mile away. However, this is often not the case with covert narcissists. To uncover a covert narcissist, you need specific tools and good relationship skills.

Tools for Identifying Covert Narcissists

Ask the Right Questions: When getting to know someone, ask questions that reveal their true nature. For example:

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Observe Accountability: Pay attention to whether they take responsibility for past relationships or if they blame others entirely.
Watch for Manipulative Tactics: Covert narcissists often get you to talk about yourself to divert attention from their superficiality. They may seem very attentive and caring, but they are taking notes to see if you would be good supply for their narcissistic needs.
Monitor Body Language: Pay attention to their body language and your own feelings during conversations. If you sense they are uncomfortable, observe how they handle it.
Hold Them Accountable: If they do something out of integrity, call them on it immediately. This can expose their true nature. For example, if they are late without a valid reason and do not apologize, do not let it slide.

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Building Strong Relationship Skills

To protect yourself from covert narcissists, it is essential to build strong relationship skills:

Focus on Others: Just like in Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” focusing on the other person and asking questions can help you understand their true character.
Set Boundaries: Set clear boundaries and stick to them. If someone crosses them, address it immediately.
Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off, trust your instincts. Do not ignore red flags.

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.”

– Helen Keller

Conclusion

Dealing with covert narcissists can be challenging, but with the right tools and awareness, you can protect yourself and begin the healing process. Remember, covert narcissists are skilled at hiding their true nature, but by asking the right questions, observing their behavior, and setting strong boundaries, you can unmask them and safeguard your well-being.

If you are recovering from narcissistic abuse, it is crucial to seek support and surround yourself with a community that understands your experience. Healing is possible, and you deserve to live a life free from manipulation and control.

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